Three men, all disabled, all with something to say

Hear three different perspectives from disabled men - two with SCI, one with Cerebral Palsy - on the most influential part of a man‘s body: The penis.

Penis, noun. The male organ of copulation and, in mammals, of urinary excretion.

News flash:: Able-bodied men don’t have a monopoly on liking their penis. Men with disabilities are just as obsessed their fleshy appendages. Afterall, the penis is the ultimate symbol of being a man, and all men, disabled or no, are testosterone-filled cupcakes. Every guy‘s ego is attached to it, if he tells you it isn’t, he’s lying.

Unfortunately, if you have a disability that limits the way you walk/move or even the way your penis responds, it can greatly alter the way you feel towards your one-time John Holmes machine. Embarrassment, envy of other men, sadness, the list goes on and on. Take that and add how hard it can be to find a woman to sleep with, it’s no surprise many men have chosen to be asexual. Thankfully however, this trend is subsiding.

With the invention of many ED (Erectile Dysfunction) drugs and equipment, combined with a generally disability-friendly 21st century society, disabled men have it better than ever before. And while these are all great things, none of them are magical solutions.

Let’s take a ride on the deep dark secret train, shall we?

Drew

Drew, a 34 year old C5-6 incomplete quad, was injured in a crash while driving cross-country in 2007 (from Vegas to SC). And like any man who experiences a SCI later in life - after years of having and getting sex with ease - it was a tough adjustment. “I feel lucky that my penis was loved and worshipped by my lovers; and that it has been a tool to attract the fairer sex, helping to both give and receive physical intimacy, so it comes as no surprise that my first concern post-injury was the fear of losing that side of me.”

“I was 32 years old when I damaged my spinal cord, with a lifetime of able-bodied experience, thus angrily depressed that I would appear ‘castrated’ and ‘weak’ to the opposite sex.” “So I searched,” he says, “for every golden nugget of information from remaining sensation, new stimuli, toys, positions, and medications that could restore my confidence as being worthy of sexual intimacy.”

And while we all know that toys, ED drugs, creative positioning, etc, can help restore some confidence in the bedroom, it’s still not enough. The brain must also play a part, and Drew has given his a starring role.

“I've been pleasantly surprised at my ability to attract, arouse, and satisfy the needs of my lovers and myself. In fact, my behavior is even bolder than it was pre-SCI, when I had a beautiful, fit body, that visually stimulated sexual urge. Now I must be more imaginative and use the energy or spirit of assertiveness to melt potential mates into putty in my hands, and woo them into bed, where my penis remains a symbol of my masculinity."

Brian

Brian was born with his disability, a minor form of Cerebral Palsy, and while it doesn’t affect his ability to copulate, it has made it hard for him to meet women. “I lost my virginity at 21 to a prostitute,” says Brian. “For that matter, I’ve never had sex with anyone who wasn't a prostitute and I didn’t even start masturbating until I was 18.“

Brian, a lawyer, blames his struggle to feel like a sexual being on his regional upbringing. “I love my fellow southerners. Nicest folks you'd ever want to meet. Unfortunately, they're not the most sexually open people you'll ever meet. I think the culture around here has contributed a fair amount to my sexual frustration over the years. Add to that Midwestern parents who simply didn't want to discuss sexual matters, and you've got a fairly sexually repressed guy.”

As for his penis: “I have enough testosterone running through my body to kill a small mouse. It wasn’t uncommon for me in my 20’s to have an erection all day long. Fortunately, I don't stand up so nobody ever saw it. Unfortunately, God put all these hormones into a body that no girl wants to fuck. As you might imagine, God and I have issues.

“And these days,” says Brian, “I find the ‘thing’ more of a nuisance than anything else. I try to put my time and energy into thinking about other things.”

Brad

Part Canadian rock-climber, part quadriplegic, and part sexually progressive hipster, Bran Zdanivsky, age 33, struggled for years over the way he viewed his penis. He was hurt at the age of 18 and only recently has he been able to feel comfortable in his own sexual skin.

“I felt like I was no longer sexual,” says Brad, describing his feelings post-injury. “My penis was just something to ‘manage.’ Doing catheters, skin issues...it was all very depressing. I did try injections to maintain erections, but it wasn’t pleasant enough to do often.”

And if anxiety and depression were the starring roles in the tragedy that for years put the kabosh on Brad’s sex life, it was AD (Autonomic Dysreflexia) that got the starring role; one of the biggest hindrances to sex for male quads everywhere.

As a result, Brad has decided to design a different kind of vibrator for men with quadriplegia (he eschews the Ferticare), which he claims can give orgasms by stimulating and monitoring AD. Check out his project here: http://wordpress.verticalchallenge.org/2009/06/when-your-vibrator-lets-you-down/

After experimenting and playing around, Brad says he’s figured out his penis, as well as the secret to having fulfilling sex post-SCI. “As a quad, I can get wood, I can’t keep it up most of the time. The solution is to ejaculate (using a vibrator like his current prototype, or by whatever means you can) in the AM, several hours before the date.”

Whether you’re an old vet like Brad, a newbie like Drew, or ambivalent like Brain, remember that your relationship with your penis is changeable. No sexual (identity) decision is ever permanent, so if you feel the urge to reconnect to that beloved fleshy appendage between your legs, or if you simply want to put it away for a few years, go for it. You are the master of your own universe.